I was listening to Radio Lab on NPR this morning. The theme was Lost and Found and the concept of dead reckoning came up.
From Wikipedia:
Dead reckoning (DR) is the process of estimating one's current position based upon a previously determined position, or fix, and advancing that position based upon known or estimated speeds over elapsed time, and course.
A disadvantage of dead reckoning is that since new positions are calculated solely from previous positions, the errors of the process are cumulative, so the error in the position grows with time.
I am twisted up in knots for Layla today. In response to her tantrum last night, I painted myself into a corner, threatening not to take her on a family trip this weekend. I said it, I explained it and gave her one more chance to pull it together this week. My rules are not crazy, "No hitting." "No Spitting." "No Yelling at your parents." She promised she will pull it together. I put the odds at 50/50 and am pulling for her. Please, dear readers, send her strength and wisdom, and will her not to test me. I will be so sad if half the family stays home.
I wish I had never even told her about the trip. I wish kindergarten was over for her. I wish she wasn't so worried about a talent show and a little boy who broke his leg. I wish I had given her a spoon of peanut butter before she decided to hit her sister last night. I wish I didn't even see her sister get hit. I wish there were so many things that were different for her but I have to calculate my course from the fixed point we are in.
As flawed as it is, dead reckoning is the best navigation system any parent has. I just hope my errors don't grow with time, we can reset and chart a new course together this summer.
I think I'm finally ready to call this painting "done". It is my own dead reckoning malfunction. I started with an idea and kept charting that course when I was wrong from the beginning. I think I saved it enough by contemplating two things my friends said.
1. Lovely Debbie suggested more sunshine. I was in a dark place.
2.Lovely Valerie always asks why people get "sideways" when they've got it wrong. I was painting left to right when everyone know grass (like little girls) grow "UP". I got it sideways from the beginning and needed to fix it.
New Canvas, New Course, One Week to Go!
I like that painting.
Dead reckoning was how I finally discovered a use for algebra, many years out of school, when I had to navigate a sailboat in open water. It worked for centuries before we had GPS, but was also how Columbus discovered America.
So no telling what you guys will discover . . .
Posted by: Clair | 05/24/2011 at 01:51 PM
I do believe we are in unchartered waters. I just have to trust we won't fall off the end of the world even if it feels like we might!
Posted by: Sheila Cameron | 05/24/2011 at 02:10 PM
Wow...its beautiful !!!!!! And so are you.
Posted by: dwow | 05/24/2011 at 02:23 PM
One of the amazing things about being a mom is that you can choose to show your own imperfections to your children. You can choose to sit down and explain that you are not excusing her behavior, but the consequence of any further bad behavior has changed. You can tell her that you felt pushed to your limit last night and that you lashed out but now that you have had some time and distance from the heat of the moment, you feel you have set her up to fail in a way that you don't want her to fail. You can tell her that moms are imperfect too. Or you can choose to keep the possible outcome as it is now, but help her to succeed by trying to catch her in those moments before the spitting, hitting or yelling start and do some in the moment coaching. In the same way you took feedback and adapted your painting, you can adapt this circumstance. Let it teach another lesson to your child.
The painting is beautiful BTW.
Posted by: Laura | 05/24/2011 at 04:49 PM
Thank you so much Laura! I really needed permission to be a softy because leaving her behind will never feel right. She has actually adapted her behavior and made REAL change in coping today. She actually came home from school, looked at me and said, "mom I feel like i might freak out. can i go outside for some alone time and regroup?" You could have knocked me over!!!! Needless to stay I'm playing it close and giving her lots of opportunities to do the right thing even when she slips. I think the lesson she needs to learn is not 'consequences' but 'course correction'. BTW I like your blog. I didn't go directly from stage diving to parenthood but my husband and I could sure tell some stories from the "good 'ol days." Keep in touch!
Posted by: Sheila Cameron | 05/24/2011 at 05:06 PM
You know -- I think tonight is the first time that I've noticed the blue through the trees. Is that weird?
I'm sorry you're struggling with Layla. I struggle every single day with one of my sons, and it's been that way since he was about 2 and a half. It's damn hard, particularly when we love them so much we can't come up for air.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the getaway.
Posted by: Elizabeth | 05/25/2011 at 10:40 PM
Oh, and the whole concept of dead reckoning is blowing me away.
Posted by: Elizabeth | 05/25/2011 at 10:41 PM
Right?! Dead Reckoning is such a lovely combination of words...I mean in the poetic sense. I never REALLY knew what it meant in the scientific sense. If you get a chance to listen to that radio lab show I linked to, you'll be blown away 100 times. I tried to explain to my husband the story of the girl who wanted to be "pulled out of the wall"...The mind...the beautiful mind and what it can do...
Posted by: Sheila Cameron | 05/25/2011 at 10:44 PM
Oh also, the blue wasn't there before!!! At least not in that shade and contrast. Thanks for noticing!
Posted by: Sheila Cameron | 05/25/2011 at 10:45 PM